Bum Bum

His legs hurt, courtesy Sagar, who unfortunately happened to be one of his closest friends. They walked barefoot for four hours along with hundreds of others for whom it was routine to walk to Siddhi Vinayak temple every Monday night.

Stupid Sagar. He’d kept a mannat to walk all the way to the temple if he got laid. So, on Sunday morning when he called Kunal (saying “Dude! Last night I became a man!”), Kunal grumbled as he knew he’d obviously be dragged to fulfill the mannat the next day. But why did Sagar even need it! He was so charming he could maneuver any girl into the sack. It was later that he unwittingly confessed that he wanted to go there to wash away this cardinal sin. To this day his friends mock him.

Throughout the four hour walk, Sagar was telling him the smallest of details of his Saturday night feat. He was really not interested right now as he was complaining to himself. Life was so sad for him. No adventure. No action.

Life was unfair.

There was a long queue in spite of reaching as early as three. He was sleepy. And tired. And hungry. And his legs hurt. And now his head too.

“Dude why’re you looking constipated?”

Dirty look.

 “There’s public toilets back there.”

Dirtier look.

“Oye you want me to hook you up with Ananya?” laughs loudly.

(Ananya looked more like his elder brother).

“No Sagar. Thanks for the offer. Now shut up!”

It was so stuffy. He was lifting his hand to fan himself but it brushed against a fat aunty’s fat derrier and she turned and almost slapped him. She turned back and blushed.

“Dude why’re you looking so scared? Tere bag mein bomb hai kya? Bol na dude, tere bag mein bomb hai kya?”

“Dekh Sagar, irritate mat kar.”

“Okay dude, sorry. Chal you wanna go back?”

“After walking for hours you ask me if I wanna go back!”

“Arre you’re constipated na!” laughs loudly.

Kunal moved to get out of the queue to leave but Sagar stopped him.

“Aye baby, my darling, my shweetie pie! Don’t get show annoyed.”

“EXASPERATED is the word.”

Biting each word.

Laughs loudly.

“Oye bol na, tere bag mein bomb hai kya?”

“HAAN MERE BAG MEIN BOMB HAI” yelling at the top of his voice.

“HAI MERE BAG MEIN BOMB!”

The fat aunty with her fat derriere froze in horror. And so did the others. But just for a few moments. Because after that they started screaming. It didn’t take more than 30 seconds for the security to surround them. A couple of guards caught hold of Kunal and started thrashing him. He kept crying “Sorry!” but would they forgive someone who ruined their forbidden sleep? No chance!

All this while, Sagar lay on the ground, tears in his eyes, laughing hard.

Life was indeed unfair.


PS: This is inspired by a true story.